People constantly blow up my phone or doorbell desperate for advice about women. Usually I charge them a pizza or a 6-pack of delicious IPA style beer (keep notes) and I then let them have priceless advice full steam ahead and I throw tact out the window, because tact gets in the way of real professionals! But hey guys this one’s a freebie!
Lately I’ve been getting hammered with questions about the various flavors of women and how to know if that tart bite on the tongue is alright or something to light yourself on fire to and run down the street begging for forgiveness. Most of the time I refrain from self-immolation but it has happened.
So to check a lady for deliciousness you’ll first need a lady. Just go outside of your house or wherever you play Modern Warfare 3 on a regular basis. Then when you see a female it’s as easy as just walking up to her and explaining calmly that you would like to treat her nicely and bless her with the possiblity of an orgasm. (I say possibility because some guys don’t know where to dart their tongue and end up chewing on her lower ear lobes like a baby sucking watermelon slices while the girl lies there and confusingly yawns.)
When presented with the offer of a free orgasm, girls usually will drop their 2 year old child on the ground or push their grandfather they’re helping walk, out into traffic and will gleefully follow you back to your place. (If she decides she doesn’t want to take advantage of your offer assume she’s got diarrhea and she’s saving you from a faceful of chowder mud, no worries, women are always on your side. Never be pushy simply go to the next woman, they’re everywhere. Also avoid the ones that are 3 foot tall and are wearing a Yo Gabba Gabba backpack, you’ll make the evening news and that’s bad. If it’s slim pickings simply con one of your lonely 36 year old Larping friends to fill in.)
Back at your place you’ll impress her with your video games, Blade Runner replica toys, and Lord of the Rings Extended Blu Ray collection but it’s time to settle up with that orgasm you promised so cut the shit! Now don’t get hasty here, you need to do the fresh test. This ensures that you both benefit from the ensuing activity. So here we go, I’ve broken it down with photographic details for those that can’t picture anything with their own minds. It also helps to watch the 80’s movie ‘Basket Case’ during this.
1) This is the perfect position, her legs are over your lap and you
have a clear shot at some serious sample taking.
2) Go in with the flavor-claw, but ease her with the fact that this is
where the explosions of heaven and unicorns begin.
3) Here again the flavor-claw is about to breach fabric, feel free to
position your fingers any way because quite frankly there’s going
to be a second or two of mushing around some bubblegum until
you make contact with some good old lady-Lawrys.
(*note*-Lawrys seasoning does not endorse this blog entry, but they should)
4) Now we’re close, she should feel a slight tingle down her sides
and she’ll giggle but that’s all part of the show. Wipe any sweat off
your brow if needed here and disregard any egg-whites you may
have blown into your adult batman boxers, it’s time to persevere!
5) So here you are, you’ve made contact with fingers to lady tender.
DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!
You already have part of you and part of her touching, don’t over
do it as you might start crying or fart from excitement. Making eye
contact at this point may subconsciously make you notice features
on her face that are similar to your own mothers and chances are
your own mom is nearby baking something for you and your new
friend and you don’t want to melt your own brain at this point.
This is crucial!
6) Immediately withdraw your hand and get that finger cluster to your
nose and pull in like you’re doing a pile of coke off a nightclub shitter!
7) Now don’t be confused here, this is the reaction of someone being
thrust into the face of rich flavor and an aroma that will attract any
ferel animal on the face of the earth to your lap where you can now
feed it a bag of hot mustard Combos. I bet it could resurrect dinosaurs
if channeled properly. This is a good thing. FYI! Had this been a
bad sample your eyes would have turned into vaporized salt and fire.
Live by that rule, as long as your eyes stay in your head, the yum yums
are a go!
8) Again, this is the face of someone that’s about to dip his face into
some of the best tasting feminine con-queso dip ever produced. At
this point you’ll feel the hunger of one of the prisoners in that movie,
‘Papillon’. Get ready to dig in.
9) Attack!!! Go at this lady like you’re both tumbling down a mountain slope
in a jeep wagoneer that slipped off a cliff that’ll end in your definite death.
Strap her pudding bowl on like a shock therapy helmet and prepare to be
cured of all your glitches! Chew, lick, swallow, and gasp for air but don’t
ever let up until she’s a quivering mess of lady goo. Like a volcano that
burped up basset hound slime. (How ‘bout I stop with the bullshit analogies
and finish guiding you people to the end, geez what’s wrong with me?)
She will usually thank you and sometimes pay you or buy you a house with
no strings attached. Bask in your success and get back into an MW3
free-for-all match to try and top the free-for-all you just dominated. You win,
now go help your mom with dishes or laundry! Good Job Trooper!
5/24/12
