The Center For Disabling Learning

Well, since I’ve been dicking around with music ideas why...

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 22:03:00 -0400

Well, since I’ve been dicking around with music ideas why not post another favorite of mine. This is Origins album Entity. I’ve been playing this one for well over a year and I haven’t gotten tired of it yet. The drums alone are enough to make any metal head drop what he’s doing and head thrash until he’s rattled himself into a nosebleed. I got to see these guys with Cattle Decapitation, Decrepit Birth, and a bunch of other great metal bands when I was in Portland, Ore. They don’t have good shows like this or like the Mastadon/Opeth show I saw in Vancouver back in Alaska. It’s such a treat to see the literal talent being displayed in front of you while you crash into a bunch of other sweaty metal heads. If you haven’t check these guys out you are missing out. It’s a great one for when I’m driving between places or when I’m around fire. Yeah, fire….

7/9/12

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 20:17:55 -0400

coffee and distracting thoughts

I’ve always wanted to be involved in music. As long as I...

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 16:28:00 -0400

I’ve always wanted to be involved in music. As long as I can remember I’ve wanted to learn an instrument, especially drums. I had a drum set when I was probably 10-12 but somehow I can’t remember but a drumstick got punched through a drum skin and then the highhat legs broke and I had one stick and it just died. I wish I pushed to get a new set but I was afraid to ask. So I just played the remaining pieces until they sequentially broke apart. Anyways here’s an album anyone can get into for real or for laughs, Dokkens-‘Back for the Attack’. I remember it had come out when I was in high school and it fit in but also stood out from all the cheesy 80’s glam bands, this album is epic! The production value is so tight it transfers fairly well from cd to a shitty sounding digital copy. Which normally when played through my iPod, makes me angry that I spent the money on my stereo system but not with this album. It’s so versatile it can be played in about any situation even hip hop parties and church youth group. It’s even got the title song from ‘nightmare on elm street 3’. Go ahead give the whole thing a spin it’s great!

7/9/12

Just a friendly reminder. 7/9/12

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 16:20:00 -0400

Just a friendly reminder.

7/9/12

Oh goodness! So I’m in Vegas for a second and man is it...

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 15:40:00 -0400

Oh goodness! So I’m in Vegas for a second and man is it hot! The drive from Denver was good but the heat is killing me geez! Anywhoots after a month in Denver I feel charged up from all the positive comedy energy whether I bombed, fumbled through new material, or did good. The scene in Denver is probably the most open and friendly scene I’ve experienced. It felt like people similar to me, who struggled in small po-dunk towns where no one gives a shit about comedy, yet they still went at it with all the enthusiasm and energy and then randomly drove to a place where 100 or so of the same enthusiastic people gathered. It was sort of a comedy Mecca. I made a bunch of new friends. I hope to go back there. Denver is fun! Next…

7/2/12

Time Flies, or Time Flies

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 18:30:00 -0400

Wow it’s already been a couple weeks since I’ve last posted! I gotta get my shit together. But, I’ve been quite busy doing comedy and writing. The scene here in Denver is beyond cool and friendly. I’ve learned a bunch here so far and hope to learn more before I head to LA. I’m interested in going there not knowing exactly what to expect but I’ve got my ideas. There’ll probably be alot of ‘yes’s’ and ‘I’ll call you’s’ and burritos. I’ve still gotta hit some record stores and mile high comics, it’s on the list! Next…

6/27/12

Here’s a quick set I was lucky enough to do at Comedy Works in...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 16:31:00 -0400

Here’s a quick set I was lucky enough to do at Comedy Works in Denver, Co last night. This was fun!

6/12/12

I’m amazed that I’ve still got a nose that sticks...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:43:00 -0400

I’m amazed that I’ve still got a nose that sticks out of my face as many times as I’ve fallen flat on it onstage, just complete failure. I’ve had great moments where I do really good at real shows but they don’t stand out or stay with me as long as a meaningless open mic, practice bar that I bomb the shit out of. That’s pathetic, that’s like going to the gym and getting pissed that I couldn’t lift a certain weight and it ruins my day but also having a job and personal life that’s more important and rewarding yet that’s not as impressionable as failing something so very minor. Doing comedy there needs to be an energy in the room and if there isn’t then it’s not gonna happen and I’d rather not beat my self esteem up over a bunch of people who couldn’t care less. Guess what I’m getting back up tomorrow. Next…

6/12/12

This is Clown Poop. I know… 6/10/12

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 16:32:00 -0400

This is Clown Poop. I know…

6/10/12

ShitFeet! “What no hook on the shitter stall door to hang my...

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 16:33:00 -0400

ShitFeet!

“What no hook on the shitter stall door to hang my coat?! eh, no worries because there’s a perfectly good pube n pissed on floor to rest my outer layer on. Maybe I’ll wrap the baby Jesus up in it later and protect him from the elements…that’ll get me into heaven.”

6/9/12

Well it’s been a week since I left Fresno and it’s...

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 16:13:00 -0400

Well it’s been a week since I left Fresno and it’s been busy. I got some more silly posts for you guys coming but a bit of an update from my cyber space ego to nobody. I visited my good friend Pete. He’s a captain in the Marine Corps. I met him a long time ago when I was fresh out of marine boot camp myself and he was a navy Corpsmen. We’ve been great friends for a long time and I’m joyfully jealous of his success compared to myself living in a van pursuing that pipe dream of comedy. Wheeeeee! Anywhoots, Pete took me by the old armory, on Camp Pendleton, where I worked and it was a gorgeously sad sight. I had alot of fun fixing machine guns and rifles back then. We then went to San Clemente and ate at Pedros Tacos. Best burritos ever! We then caught up with my old roommate Jeremy. Funtimes all around. I then rolled out towards Vegas to catch up with my comedy friend Butch Bradley at the Tropicana Laugh Factory. He was the first headliner I opened up for back in 2003. He’s always encouraging to me and a master wit. Check him out online, he’s a good dude. We caught up and then I dove head first into some in-n-out burger before heading out towards Denver, Co. The drive to Vegas and then on thru Utah and into Colorado was scorching hot. I don’t have A/C in the van and I was feeling it, ugh it wore me out. I then made it to Denver where I’m visiting my childhood friend Chris. We went to the Thunder Valley MX National. The weather went shitty pretty much after James Stewart balled himself into some sick ruts and called it a day. I think that hurt the weathers feelings and she blew and rained like crazy and had a tantrum. The 250 class ruled. Barcia made it happen. He reminds me of Rick Johnson, scrappy and there to get the job done. MX is hockey on wheels. I had fun but then yesterday Chris took me up to Idaho Springs to do some downhill mtn biking. Holy Snap Shit!!! First time I ever did that. That was fun and tense and my asshole could have snapped steel I was so scared! I’m sore now, my muscles…not my asshole, uh I never actually tried snapping steel with my asshole, I’m digging a hole… Next…

6/4/12

Crying then Smiling, repeat.

Mon, 28 May 2012 10:42:00 -0400

Yep so one nights shitty set is another nights success. I stewed over the previous nights performance and switched a few jokes around and went back up last night and had a great set. I wouldn’t say I killed but it was 100% better that the previous night. That’s how it’s been though, a crusher of a mental blow followed by a definite victory. Failure you did it again and helped me succeed. Hooray I hate you. I’m headed south today. Next…

5/28/12

Absorbing the blow...

Sun, 27 May 2012 00:34:00 -0400

Hooray for failure again! This was big for me for some reason. This one hurt and I’m writing in the moment so I capture it raw. I don’t like to glaze things over to please people but goddammit the crowd tonite might as well have stuffed me with pitchforks and hung me. That’s how it feels. I’m sure they couldn’t give a shit and won’t remember me in an hour but I will. Vividly. I don’t like to do bullshit easy jokes and although I’ve been willing to experiment and try stuff in not gonna do that easy stuff. Maybe that’s my problem. How is it when I talk about subjects that I feel are funny and true to me, which is what is always shoved down your throat, people act like I just stomped a puppy in front of them, I’m not telling murder and vulgar jokes or trying to shock people. Im just saying words. I’m not screwing people over on a housing purchase or ripping off retirements in a 3 piece suit, or inciting a riot or telling weak dick jokes that 40 other bullshit comics are doing that ripped the jokes off the Internet. I’m glad I’m writing now this sucks but the raw feels good even though I don’t feel like I’ll amount to shit since people don’t realize I’m joking during a comedy show. Yet George Carlin and Richard Pryor are their favorite comics. Yea, next…

5/27/12

‘ShitFeet!’ Look at this well potty trained clean freak! Is...

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:35:00 -0400

‘ShitFeet!’ Look at this well potty trained clean freak! Is there confusion as to where the paper goes? Yes. Was he a victim of a horrifying clogged toilet spill over as a child? Possibly. Is he one of those people that wipes but then throws the shitty paper in the trash so I can see the sesame seeds that took a road trip through his body but now there’s no trash can so he drops it on the floor and I just keep writing a run-on sentence? Yes AND Probably. Is he gonna pick that up off the floor? No, not just no, but ShitFeet No!

5/24/12

Love Lesson 1) The Fresh Test!

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:34:00 -0400

People constantly blow up my phone or doorbell desperate for advice about women. Usually I charge them a pizza or a 6-pack of delicious IPA style beer (keep notes) and I then let them have priceless advice full steam ahead and I throw tact out the window, because tact gets in the way of real professionals! But hey guys this one’s a freebie!

Lately I’ve been getting hammered with questions about the various flavors of women and how to know if that tart bite on the tongue is alright or something to light yourself on fire to and run down the street begging for forgiveness. Most of the time I refrain from self-immolation but it has happened.

So to check a lady for deliciousness you’ll first need a lady. Just go outside of your house or wherever you play Modern Warfare 3 on a regular basis. Then when you see a female it’s as easy as just walking up to her and explaining calmly that you would like to treat her nicely and bless her with the possiblity of an orgasm. (I say possibility because some guys don’t know where to dart their tongue and end up chewing on her lower ear lobes like a baby sucking watermelon slices while the girl lies there and confusingly yawns.)

When presented with the offer of a free orgasm, girls usually will drop their 2 year old child on the ground or push their grandfather they’re helping walk, out into traffic and will gleefully follow you back to your place. (If she decides she doesn’t want to take advantage of your offer assume she’s got diarrhea and she’s saving you from a faceful of chowder mud, no worries, women are always on your side. Never be pushy simply go to the next woman, they’re everywhere. Also avoid the ones that are 3 foot tall and are wearing a Yo Gabba Gabba backpack, you’ll make the evening news and that’s bad. If it’s slim pickings simply con one of your lonely 36 year old Larping friends to fill in.)

Back at your place you’ll impress her with your video games, Blade Runner replica toys, and Lord of the Rings Extended Blu Ray collection but it’s time to settle up with that orgasm you promised so cut the shit! Now don’t get hasty here, you need to do the fresh test. This ensures that you both benefit from the ensuing activity. So here we go, I’ve broken it down with photographic details for those that can’t picture anything with their own minds. It also helps to watch the 80’s movie ‘Basket Case’ during this.

1) This is the perfect position, her legs are over your lap and you
have a clear shot at some serious sample taking.

2) Go in with the flavor-claw, but ease her with the fact that this is
where the explosions of heaven and unicorns begin.

3) Here again the flavor-claw is about to breach fabric, feel free to
    position your fingers any way because quite frankly there’s going
    to be a second or two of mushing around some bubblegum until
    you make contact with some good old lady-Lawrys.
(*note*-Lawrys seasoning does not endorse this blog entry, but they should)

4) Now we’re close, she should feel a slight tingle down her sides
    and she’ll giggle but that’s all part of the show. Wipe any sweat off
    your brow if needed here and disregard any egg-whites you may
    have blown into your adult batman boxers, it’s time to persevere!

5) So here you are, you’ve made contact with fingers to lady tender.
    DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!
    You already have part of you and part of her touching, don’t over
    do it as you might start crying or fart from excitement. Making eye
    contact at this point may subconsciously make you notice features
    on her face that are similar to your own mothers and chances are
    your own mom is nearby baking something for you and your new
    friend and you don’t want to melt your own brain at this point.
    This is crucial!

6) Immediately withdraw your hand and get that finger cluster to your
nose and pull in like you’re doing a pile of coke off a nightclub shitter!

7) Now don’t be confused here, this is the reaction of someone being
    thrust into the face of rich flavor and an aroma that will attract any
    ferel animal on the face of the earth to your lap where you can now
    feed it a bag of hot mustard Combos. I bet it could resurrect dinosaurs
    if channeled properly. This is a good thing. FYI! Had this been a
    bad sample your eyes would have turned into vaporized salt and fire.
    Live by that rule, as long as your eyes stay in your head, the yum yums
    are a go!

8) Again, this is the face of someone that’s about to dip his face into
    some of the best tasting feminine con-queso dip ever produced. At
    this point you’ll feel the hunger of one of the prisoners in that movie,
    ‘Papillon’. Get ready to dig in.

9) Attack!!! Go at this lady like you’re both tumbling down a mountain slope
    in a jeep wagoneer that slipped off a cliff that’ll end in your definite death.
    Strap her pudding bowl on like a shock therapy helmet and prepare to be
    cured of all your glitches! Chew, lick, swallow, and gasp for air but don’t
    ever let up until she’s a quivering mess of lady goo. Like a volcano that
    burped up basset hound slime. (How ‘bout I stop with the bullshit analogies
    and finish guiding you people to the end, geez what’s wrong with me?)
    She will usually thank you and sometimes pay you or buy you a house with
    no strings attached. Bask in your success and get back into an MW3
    free-for-all match to try and top the free-for-all you just dominated. You win,
    now go help your mom with dishes or laundry! Good Job Trooper!

5/24/12

FresssssNo!! or FressssYes?

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:04:00 -0400

Hey, guess what everyone, I’m in Fresno, Ca for the week. I’m bumping around to the mics in town and then doing a couple shows this weekend before I head down the road. I got up the past few nights and I did ok. I’m really wanting a few good videos of myself and see where those lead me. I’m just doing 10 minute sets, I like the smaller sets right now to help me tighten things up. A problem I’m having though is telling silly stories of mine from back in Alaska and relating them to the audience here. Alot of people have been bombarded in the past few years with how great Alaska is from the discovery channel and Sarah Palin and all that B.S. The truth is that Alaska is just as, if not trashier, than alot of places in America and deliberately behind the times. It’s not all serene and peaceful, it’s mostly assholes and people scared of anything different. Surely there are great people there as well but shit shines brighter than gold, and I want to talk about it. I have to get over this wall of using the names of places I don’t know to put the material in perspective with the people I am talking to. I’m going to try it but it just feels weird. On the same token, people do want to hear the gritty stories from Alaska. So I’ll test fire it and see. Failure is my friend…

5/24/12

Holy Wha..?!So I’ve been a bit scattered the passed few...

Wed, 23 May 2012 15:59:00 -0400

Holy Wha..?!

So I’ve been a bit scattered the passed few days and boy has there been a bit of adventure. Living on the road is a catalyst for uncomfortable situations but I accept that in my pursuits. My really good friend directed me to his sisters place in Woodland, California so i could bum her couch and park the van. Her place is close to Rancho Cordova, Ca. where the first round of the AMA Motocross Nationals take place and I was going. The race was amazing by the way and James Stewart did exactly what I thought he’d do, dominate. It was interesting to hear people saying it was doubtful that he’d return to his winning form. I didn’t believe that, take a guy that’s essentially advanced the riding style of the entire sport, dominate for a few years, get into a couple of not very beneficial situations and rides and he had some failures. So what. Then the guy gets himself back into a situation that’s comfortable and gave him that inner smile again. Once you have that inner smile it’s hard to be shook and he did the deed. Also why does every little thing need to be nit-picked, analyzed, and speculated about in regards to sports? What society do we live in? Nazi-Russian-Olympic culture? Settle down, it’s a sport, it’s really meaningless but it is fun, just enjoy it for what it is. Just like my comedic pursuits, it means a lot to me but I realize I’m not advancing society or helping anyone, it’s an ego and a possible way out of the hard labor jobs that I was doing before. It’s really empty but I love it. Great racing though, especially Blake Baggett and the whole 250 class, geez talk about a rabid wolf-pack! I’m hitting Thunder-Valley in Colorado too! Ugh, at any rate back to my friends sis’ place. She was the coolest, nicest lady and she has 3 chihuahuas. She is also surrounded by some very violent gang activity in the houses immediately next to her and across the street. She had me park my van in her driveway and told me it would be perfectly fine there and no one would break into my van and leave me with nothing but tears and my wiener. What’s to stop that? I’ve spent time in West Covina, Ca and that place was overrun with drop of the hat fights, stabbings, shootings and break-ins and this place reminded me of that immediately. So she goes into a story of one of her chihuahuas and that a mexican witch (who owned the dog first), that she bought the house from, blessed the little chihuahua for her and the property which she purchased was sacred spiritual ground. So apparently the little dogs aura kept big scary cartel members, that sacrifice people up to the Santa Muerte goddess, at bay. Oh, also my friends sister handed me a loaded 9mm before she left to stay with her boyfriend and told me everything should be ok as long as I didn’t poke my white head out of the house after 10pm. Great…
At any rate I was fine that night but I didn’t sleep to much since I kept hearing bumps and bangs throughout the night which turned out to be a giant iguana she also had. Another thing, she had was a basement and told me I could go down there and I cracked the door, because I’m dumb and invite fear into my brain willingly, and it was a dusty, straight outta horror movie, creep-fest that added to my already tense existence. Fun times. She kept mentioning the Santa Muerte also so I googled that and that creeped me out even more. I don’t know if the goddess was protecting me from the cartel neighbors or if she was protecting the neighbors from that chihuahua. I guess I’ll never know, next…

5/23/12

ShitFeet! So here we have what I can only describe as an...

Thu, 17 May 2012 16:36:00 -0400

ShitFeet! So here we have what I can only describe as an ‘elderly’ gentleman needing to take care of his packed colon. I knew he was older by the faint whimpering gasp as he wrestled with the logistics of the options available to him in the stall. Also his pants are at just the right length for someone that’s in their mid 70’s then he’s got black socks AND shoes? What is this guy, a baller? I imagine he looked exactly like the old man in the ‘Beyond Grandpa’ cartoons (if you don’t know that one just google it, its classic!). As you can see he sets his belongings down on the floor where it’s probably the cleanest, right in the piss zone. What does he care, he’s probably gonna die of age or a car honking before the hepatitis on his pocket book and ball cap gets him. Now that I think of it, I don’t remember him ever sitting down. I think he stayed in the micro-squat position and played catch with his big boy diaper. I swear I heard what sounded like a snowsuit being punted right in the guts…with the contents from his guts. Then there was that whimper again…

5/17/12

Fail, yea go ahead, it feels good!

Thu, 17 May 2012 02:33:00 -0400

So I’ve been getting up sort of regular and I’m getting the good parts from before I broke from performing back and am discovering new strengths I never knew I had. The sets I’ve been doing are rather short but so far that’s what’s been available. It’s good for me and helps to keep my jokes tighter and more to the point. It hasn’t been smooth and I’ve bombed really bad a few times, just dead silence for minutes that crush the psyche. But instead of getting upset when it happens I just use it as fuel for the next set. Which I did the other night. It was probably the highest comedy related high I’ve had in awhile. I went up with a controlled fury and dominated the set. I got great laughs but the important part was that I got up and performed with heart and let the failure of the previous night fade like a fart in the wind. I actually thanked my failure for quadrupling my focus for the next time. I hope I fail alot more. Next…

5/17/12

So for awhile now I have had the sneaking suspicion that some...

Thu, 10 May 2012 16:39:00 -0400

So for awhile now I have had the sneaking suspicion that some womens hair and skin products being sold are packaged in ‘Dildo-Possible’ shapes. Like survival dongs! Note some of my examples. How many women are decent, respectful ladies and won’t go near a porn shop? How many of those are still gonna get horny, curious, and are still lonely. How many have a dirty immature mind like me? Whatever marketing genius started this trend deserves their own private jet. Cloaking sex toys on shelves that kids will momentarily play with in mommys shopping cart? Mommy’s gonna do her hair and then have a HOT bubble bath. Judge for yourself and feel free to email any you find here: theCFDLcares@gmail.com Also I wonder what idiot decided that those 5 bladed vibrating womens shavers was a good decision, where are we, Sudan? Next…

5/10/12